She Was right

She was right, you know. Your friend. The one who I still think about with scorn and my friends still flame for my benefit alone. She was right when she announced that I wouldn’t help myself until you left me.

Because in your absence I have really changed. I have grown in so many unexpected ways that sometimes I look at myself and don’t quite recognise me.

I learnt a lot in DBT and in therapy with my psychiatrist. I was given all the tools to live a softer, more grey life. A more comfortable one in which my disordered personality was softened into just a personality. I thought that I was happy with you and happy in myself, and in many ways I was.

You showed me so many things. You showed me unconditional love and kindness when I was at my most difficult and you had this knack for bringing out some of the best in me. You showed me my own worth. But I came to believe that those things were dependent on your existence in my life and I think that’s why it was so hard when you said you were leaving.

But without you there to create happiness for me, I truly learnt to create it for myself. To find those little things that I now do daily to be positive and open and optimistic. I am no longer dependent, I have created goals and am chasing dreams.

As I bussed into a remote outback town solo, something I wouldn’t have done some six months ago, I stared out into the desert and thought to myself with a great deal of satisfaction… I really am living my best life in 2017.

So thank you, my love, for leaving.

I really am happy now.