In the last week I’ve experienced a shift in the way I’m coping with the break up. I’m starting to challenge feelings and thoughts and believe that there is actually an ‘after’ him – and most importantly of all, want it.
In the first couple of days and weeks it felt like the world should have stopped. Mine certainly did. Everything felt fundamentally altered. Like it had been broken. I had definitely been broken. It was almost cruel how things kept happening around me. I had a job to go to. I had friendships to maintain. A family to see. An online SIM game to keep up with. I didn’t want any of it. I didn’t understand how life could just keep going when we weren’t anymore. I became a spectator.
And this is where I made the first important choice. I began to seriously practice mindfulness and chase presence. Everyone kept telling me to just distract myself and I started to understand that the ‘distractions’ I needed most were just moments of complete presence and participation.
I fail at this constantly. My thoughts turn to him constantly. I’m still untangling the part of my mind that has dedicated itself to him and ‘us’. But there is nothing more grounding than trying to notice unconcious motions. On the days my mindfulness struggles the most, I challenge myself to notice myself standing and sitting. It’s amazing how such an integral motion goes almost completely unacknowledged, even when you’re consciously trying to find it.
So I’ve meditated daily for forty-three days and try to ground myself through each day when I find myself getting lost in what was, what is and what could have been. The other great healer has of course, been space and time and with both of those at my disposal I’ve started to let go of the emotional attachment and the unconditional love and start to see again.
I am not over him. If he turned around and asked for a second chance I would sit down with him and talk it out. Because I am reasonably certain now that there will always be love and care for him. He changed my life irreversibly for the better. Conversely, I have begun to see the reasons why we shouldn’t try again. Because I deserve so much more than someone who put me last and still couldn’t treat me right after leaving. I’ve started to look for myself. I find myself telling my friends that I want to ‘be me’ again. And I know that I’ll never again find the girl that I was for two and a half years, or even the girl I was before him, because she’s gone. She was permanently altered when he said it wasn’t right anymore and I am working towards letting both her and him go.
These past seven weeks have felt like the longest seven weeks of my life. My bruises are fading though and I’m looking for that ‘after’ now. One that I know exists.