No longer having a steady relationship to dedicate my brain space to has left me feeling odd, both physically, mentally and frankly also emotionally.

I got back on Tinder about a week ago. And I’m still not sure if that was a product of boredom, impatience or simply needing validation from the opposite sex. It’s likely a mix of all three.

The experience to date has been extremely gratifying. I sort of forgot that other men look at me, because with him I didn’t notice so much. I only wanted him to look at me. And so I forgot that I was attractive and desirable with a fiery personality and deeply sassy attitude. The past week I have been repeatedly reminded, and it is unbelievably easy to get drunk on that feeling.

I took a leap of faith, challenging myself to go out and meet people, and met a guy I’d been talking to during the past week. He is a few years older than me and not interested in anything serious. I would not be required to commit to anything, or really give anything. It sounded perfect. We went to a bar having a salsa night where we danced badly to gorgeous music. I don’t think I have laughed that hard or freely since before my ex and I started to break down nearly two months ago.

We talked a lot too. I watched him sucked in by how little I cared. How little regard I had for others in a one nighter situation. He was so enraptured in my ability to tell a guy that he was shit and no I didn’t want his number. I had found out the previous night that this ‘fuck you, I got what I want’ attitude I carried pre my first relationship still existed. I had a fresh, funny and scathing story. I have never, ever been so self aware of the effect I have on others. People have ocassionally and casually told me that I do this, but I’ve never believed them until now.

We ended up at a shitty club in Fitzroy on a couch, where he didn’t feel me up so much as run his hands over me sensually. Almost massaging me, pressing on my trigger points and waiting to feel my muscles relax. That one is new to me and it was magical and something everyone should experience. My body reacted in the right ways and briefly I actually wanted him. Briefly.

I will get drunk on this now that I see what I can do. I will seek out men to dazzle them, take what I need and never think about them again. If I am not careful I will begin filling my missing pieces in this manner.

This is probably the most self conceited piece of writing I will ever produce, but the revelation was stunning for me. Because I saw that I don’t need him at all. And I believed for the very, very first time that I wasn’t the only one who was at a loss. It is his bad and his absolute loss to have just walked away.

 

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