I broke the first rule of break ups last week. I texted my ex.

The reality was that I’d spent two weeks toing and froing about whether to talk to him. I repeatedly sought the advice of my friends, who’s advice tended to change. Maybe that was related to how much I wanted to contact him on a given day.

I felt confused about our break up. To me, it didn’t feel final and we didn’t feel finished. He was using my photos as his display picture and cover photo on Facebook and religiously watching my Snapchat story. A story being captured largely for his benefit, if I’m completely honest. And all that aside, I just plain missed him.

So on Wednesday night, two weeks post break up, I sent him a message. Which he ignored. I was extremely crushed because in ignoring me the break up was real and final. It was what he wanted, he wasn’t going to change his mind. I cried, feeling a physical pain in my heart again.

But then he did message me back the following morning. He apologised and said he’d been cowardly. Following that he would not be drawn into speaking again. So I got blunt and direct and asked him what was going on here. Did he want contact or not? Why the interaction with my content?

He expressed a great deal of confusion and what I think was ultimately semi-honesty. My Snapchat story was being religiously followed because he ‘wanted to see where I was at’. He did want to talk to me, but he didn’t know how and he couldn’t figure out whether talking to me was the best or worst thing for me. None of these things were really resolved. Maybe it was too soon for us to talk again (we haven’t spoken since) and I derive a weird sense of pleasure and comfort from knowing he’s looking so I’m not about to cut him off. Above all else it was so nice to just talk to him. We caught up a little bit, enough for him to feel bad I think, about my emotional state. And then I went to bed.

That conversation was cleansing for me. Although nothing was really discussed, I found closure. We are not getting back together. He is sorry that he’s hurt me and confused about how to help me from this new position in my life, but he’s done what was best for him and that’s all I ever asked of him in the event that he didn’t want there to be an ‘us’ anymore.

I think the truth of why he looks is that he’s watching to see if I move on first. And I have, twice over. Whether he can see that on my Snapchat story is another thing, but that’s no longer my problem.

It’s time for me to move on with my life now. To meet new people, redefine who I am on my own and find my way. I’m not sure I’ll ever truly be over him, or truly out of love with him. But I feel ready try.

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