We didn’t break up for a lack of love. The more I think about it, the more I come to understand so very deeply that ultimately we broke up because there was nowhere for us to go. I was happy to settle down; I felt I was on a near perfect wicket. He wasn’t ready to make the same commitment.
But with no major incident between us, other than this single uncomfortable truth, bringing myself to move on has been difficult. When my phone pings, my heart still skips a beat hoping it will be him. But with the continuing silence I have to accept that we are done. Or that he at least, is done with me.
And that’s okay. Of course it’s okay. I just still have to move on and continue my life. Because although it sometimes feels like it’s ended, it hasn’t. So this is what I’ll do:
I’m reconnecting with my friends.
I didn’t make the mistake of letting him become my entire world when we got together. I maintained my friendships. If I’m honest, they were absolutely neglected while I allowed myself to become wrapped up in his life. But I didn’t let them entirely slide and now I have many ears, many hugs and a lot of understanding and care. His absence has left me feeling alone, but I’ve been able to see my friends in the times I would have seen him. I’ve been able to have fun. I’ve continued to be social and it’s helped and continues to do so.
I’m throwing myself into my work.
I love my job. I love my job even more now that I can make it my whole life when I need to. A day on the farm is all encompassing, there is never a dull moment. I am often run so far off my feet that there isn’t a second for my brain to spend idling. This is a sweet reprieve as I realised in the aftermath that a part of my mind was permanently dedicated to him and to us and letting that part go and silencing it is scary and challenging and focussing on work and what needs immediate doing is the best medicine so far.
I’m going out.
I miss being a Saturday night party girl. I would have stayed with him forever, but I always wished he’d go out with me more. His dislike of the Saturday night scene that I loved kept me from going out. In 2016 I could count my nights out on the town on one hand. I’m looking forward to reconnecting with this part of myself, reconnecting with this freedom and carefreeness that was once the very essence of my being.
I’m giving myself time to grieve.
What I’ve lost is huge. For me it’s monumental. I have checked the facts, looked at the situation as objectively as I can and my feelings in the wake of the break up are valid. It is okay for me to be sad and to cry and feel frustrated and angry. It’s appropriate for me to grieve and laugh and reminisce. We shared over two years and they were beautiful and challenging, loving and fucking annoying at times. But I wouldn’t trade them.
I’m investing in me.
It’s time for me to rediscover myself. My identity inevitably became tied to him and in the post-him era I need to cut myself out again and step away from my comfortable co-dependence. Because the co-dependence has left me really vulnerable. I was a strong single woman and with what I have learnt about myself in a relationship, I know I can be a strong and healthy single woman. I’ve restarted Headspace’s ‘Take 10’ because I want to do it seriously. I’ve signed up for five pilates classes at a local studio beginning on Wednesday next week. I’m planning healthier meals, looking at a new gym program and even realising I have the time and funds to ride regularly again.
Moving on and forward alone is scary. I’m worried that I will get over him and that I won’t see him again. I’m worried about meeting someone new and starting everything again. I’m worried about what I’ll have found when I’ve finished soul searching. I’m worried that I’ll never finish soul searching at all.
But I know that I can be whole again. It feels like I’ve lost a significant piece of myself in his sudden absence. But I can be whole again. And more whole than ever before.