I’m starting to really feel the crushing weight of how much nothing I have going on in my life.
Watching everyone around me get up and do things every day is getting increasingly difficult to watch. Everyone else seems to have a job, things to check off and achieve every day, things to save for, goals to meet. And then there’s me; I’m just….. existing.
My days are washed with mixes of anxiety, distress, frustration, emptiness and sadness. I’ve been unemployed since the 22nd of July and I’m running out of distractions. I’ve been using my excessive free time to throw myself into a health and fitness routine. I walk for in excess of an hour nearly every day and visit the gym two to three times a week. I try to eat healthily, though its often difficult to do so in a family environment. You can physically see the difference this has made for me. Mentally, the results are a mixed bag.
But this routine I’ve forged is entirely dependent on the goodwill of my body. A body that notoriously breaks down frequently and inconveniently. Just yesterday I sent myself into a spin after increased pain and decreased mobility surfaced in my lower back. I haven’t used heat packs to soothe my spine in six months and the panic that was clawing it’s way up my throat was suffocating.
Thankfully after a tune up with my osteopath today things look like they’ll settle quickly and any major crisis that was near averted. I plan to go back to the gym tomorrow, for better or worse.
The real kicker, in my jobless and empty state, is watching my finances deplete. I’m afraid to spend money. It stops me going out, seeing people, making the hour trip to see my boyfriend. He nearly always comes to me. I’m acutely aware that I’m missing out. People are planning holidays, saving money, buying new things and I’m sitting on the couch wishing it was bed time so I could stop consciously existing for a few precious hours.
On Sunday night I cried on my boyfriend. This is not new experience and he’s so very good about it. Tonight I cried when Mum asked me how my day was.
I exist. I cry. I exist. I sleep. I exist. I exist. I exist.